Taken From The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks (here)


Quotation marks can be used to indicate you are:
-quoting someone else's words, written, thought or spoken by them (Shakespeare wrote "the quality of mercy is not strain'd" in The Merchant of Venice),
-giving the exact title of something (I like Pink Floyd's song "Us and Them")
-writing dialogue (speaking) in a story ("Hey! Stop right there!" John shouted.) This is why British people sometimes call quotation marks "speaking marks."

Quotation marks can also be used to cast doubt on the appropriateness of a word you are using:
They said they were serving hamburgers. The "hamburgers" were actually just plasticine between two pieces of wet cardboard.
You said she was pretty. Well, don't introduce me to any more of your "pretty" friends. She looked like a wildebeest with a hernia.

Also, "the quality of mercy is not strain'd" and "to be or not to be" are quotations. They are not "quotes." Correct use: John often uses quotations from Shakespeare when he quotes something. He puts quotation marks around his quotations every time he quotes.

Quotation marks are not the same thing as bold or underlining. They do not emphasize anything. In fact, they do the opposite, and "cast doubt" on the words they are around. Here are some examples:




Whatever they are, they aren't bananas, if there are quotation marks around that word. Perhaps they are carved from a block of cheddar cheese, and then painted to look like bananas...



Actually, they're selling a crack over the skull with a hammer they keep in the fridge...



It has toilet paper in it instead of money, but WE like to call it a "bank machine."




Being the "best" is (probably) awesome!








Perhaps "chicken" is what they're calling fresh goat rectums soaked in diesel fuel...







Now that's a whole lotta quotation marks, and all used "correctly!"








So, partly open is OK, then.










Now, a lot of these kids really know how to 'dance.' They are actually fairly prone to seizures, but we call it 'dancing' so it sounds cooler.



So "Dave" is admitting to using an alias, and "NO" means $150. Also, we're using quotations marks as periods. 'Cause we're Gorilla Monsoon (actual name of the owner).




By "delicious" we mean "You are quite likely to projectile vomit if you taste this."



This sign is terrific proof that the schools are merely "excellent," rather than actually being any good. Even the teachers are a bit shaky on how "quotation" marks "work."




Being sold by a guy named Joey "Three Fingers" McGaskill, no doubt.



Note: water-related accidents are not eligible for "flood" insurance.






Now that IS insulting...




If the "hamburger" is actually made with ice cream, like the sign says, this sign might actually be correct.



That's "Duh" spelled with a capital "durr."




At NeedleFreeks Cruel Stitchers, "Help" means being repeatedly slapped sharply in the face with a week old trout. Why anyone would "desire" longer than an half hour session of that, I don't know...



I bet they're made with real "meat," too, whatever the "meat" actually is.




REALLY badly made.



Is that a euphemism?






Real "Maple Syrup" is like Genuine Imitation Leather. It's perfect for putting on turkey's maple breasts, of course.











I'm not eating anything called "pizza." Just saying.




So, how many days does it actually take?



Quotation marks mean you're not lying. You could make a diploma on the back of a brown paper bag with purple crayon and say you are a "rocket scientist" with a "PhD" in "Quantum Physics" and be telling the truth.




No doubt careful thought went into how to punctuate this sign.






...and by "protect," we mean "smuggle them inside a small dog. "



When the car's radiator split right in half, a rusty green "soup" poured out onto the garage floor of our home. "Why not sell it?" we thought to ourselves.



Our "sterile" vaccination pads have been "sterilized" in a bucket of rotting hamburger with used syringes on top.




...and by "today" we mean "March 21st, 1925."



It's been sitting on the radiator at Nick's for over two weeks, actually. "Fresh" as far's he's concerned, of course.




Just pretending to have done it is OK with us.



I always like to "win" things! My whole "family" does, actually!






So now people of gender that is very much in doubt have got rest rooms of their own! How handy.